Had a fun, somewhat impromptu shoot with Shannon Bray (@shannonbray on Instagram) a couple weeks ago. Wearing one of my go-to outfits- my favorite Cobra Snake crop top, my UNIF Ty Skort, and my YRU Qozmos (not pictured). This outfit is insanely comfy- I could honestly sleep in that skort. I was lucky enough to find it hiding at the UNIF sample sale a couple months ago. As for the top, I bought it at The Cobra Shop and wear it ALL THE TIME. I highly recommend stopping in the shop on Sunset and Highland if you're ever in LA! They have so much cool shit, I'm surprised I haven't completely emptied my wallet there. I wear this outfit everywhere, dressed down with my Qozmos or a little dressier with my Nightmares.
As for the second look, this amazing crocheted halter was made by @bydollyhaze on Instagram. Check out her store-
bydollyhaze.storenvy.com to get your own custom halter! Any color you can imagine, and tons of different styles to choose from! She's a sweetheart and the top is beautifully crafted. Making all my 90's dreams come truuuue.
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JEANS- NASTY GAL
I want to take a moment to talk about something that's really personal to me and needs to be discussed a little more in depth. I apologize for the very long story in advance, but I don't really have a short way of putting it that makes me feel like you will understand my perspective completely, so here we go. All my life, I've been pretty shy. I never went to a party in high school, I didn't have a shot of anything until I was 19, and I never really ventured too far outside my friend circle. It's just never really been my scene. Summer of 2013 was fun, I partied a lot with my friends, just drinking and dancing at my house in the suburbs of Chicago, nothing crazy or out of control. In October of the same year, I moved out to Los Angeles to attend FIDM and that part of me settled down a lot since I didn't know anyone out here. After making some friends, I'd drink from time to time with them. I've never gotten drunk since living out here but I wasn't opposed to it.
On March 23rd 2014, while I was getting ready for my flight home to Chicago for spring break, I had my first real panic attack. My heart was racing, my stomach was in knots, my head was spinning- I thought I was going to be sick, and while I have a phobia of vomiting, I just wanted it to happen so it would all go away. Being home did not help at all, in fact, I spent my entire spring break in bed, shaking and crying, not understanding what had come over me literally over night. I didn't understand what I did to deserve this, how long it was going to last, or if it was ever going to go away. I felt trapped in my own mind and body and it was the scariest thing I've ever gone through. I went to my doctor and she prescribed me a small dose of Xanax. I came back to California and turned into a complete homebody. I preferred to stay at home and watch Netflix, all while my friends were going out to clubs or getting drunk off sangria at each other's apartments. There's nothing I wanted more than to join them in the fun and push away the bad thoughts and feelings, but I couldn't, and I really didn't (and still don't) enjoy the way Xanax made me feel, so I couldn't just take it. So I secluded myself, staying inside and away from anything that might trigger my anxieties again. It's gotten to the point where anxiety has given me the symptoms of IBS. My stomach hurts a lot of the time, I'm overly conscious of how I feel and if I'm getting a tummy ache or if it's just all in my head. It's exhausting, especially for someone who has a phobia of vomiting in the first place. I've lost 15 pounds because of the vicious cycle anxiety has thrown me into- not wanting to eat because I'm afraid it will make me feel sick, then feeling sick because I don't eat enough, and then dealing with IBS symptoms because I don't eat enough. I haven't weighed this much since I was a freshman in high school seven years ago.
Over the past year, I've learned how to cope, how to recognize when and why I'm feeling anxious, and how to calm myself down. It's just been trial and error. I take deep breaths, remind myself that I am in control, and that I'm strong and confident in myself- basically meditating where ever I'm at. If that doesn't help me, I tell myself that I don't have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable or anxious, and I leave. I started attending hypnotherapy sessions which have helped a lot. They don't literally hypnotize you into thinking your something else, but rather help you see the strength and control that you have in yourself. (If you deal with anxieties, I seriously recommend attending a session, even if it's just once. It couldn't hurt!!) I don't drink at all, any time I even try it makes me feel sick and I have to stop. I think that's a mix of my anxiety making me feel that way and me just never being into alcohol in the first place, but there's no point in me forcing myself to do it anyway.
I am a lot stronger than I was a year ago, but there are still days where I lay in bed and I cry and question, "Why me?". A lot of the time I feel like a complete burden to my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. I feel like a child who has to be monitored all the time to make sure they won't break down into hysterics over the dumbest little thing. I've had friends distance themselves because of my anxiety, telling me to get over it and saying it was all in my head. That's fine. Honestly, it hurts my feelings, but I don't blame them and I wish them well. On the other hand, I've had people who I considered "friends" make fun of me for it behind my back, and to them I want to say a royal fuck you for making fun of something you simply don't understand. This wasn't a choice of mine, it's a daily battle I face. I recognize that when it comes to anxiety, I have it easy, and for that I consider myself lucky. I also consider myself extremely lucky to be surrounded by friends and family who are overwhelmingly supportive and loving. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing, going above and beyond what he needs to in order to make sure that I'm always feeling my best. I'm honestly tearing up at the thought. I love them with all of my heart and soul, and I thank the universe everyday for bringing them into my life and making things a hell of a lot easier to deal with.
If you have anxiety, do not be ashamed. You are not a burden to anyone who truly loves you and cares about you. If someone feels that way, then show them the door, because they are not a true friend and don't deserve to be in your life. You are loved and cared about by many, and they will be there by your side not only at your best, but also your worst. Don't be afraid to talk about what is making you anxious, sometimes voicing it can really help you cope, and help others get a better understanding of what you're going through. Pick and choose your battles- if a situation is making you anxious and it's not worth sticking around for, then leave. Sometimes, though, pushing through my anxieties has made me realize how strong I am, and that I am capable of living a "normal" and fun-loving life. In those moments, I've never been more proud of myself. If you need someone to talk to, know that I'm here for you and that I care about you. I may not entirely understand, but I will absolutely try my best.
If you've read this far, I can not express how appreciative I am and I thank you for taking the time to read my story and get to know me a little bit better. Take care of yourself and others.
♡
